What better way to come back than with a letter to some thieves?

So, it’s been a long hiatus but I have finally returned to blogging. I have plenty of updates to deliver but I suppose I will stretch those out between a few posts. I’m also going to put those on hold because I have some business to attend to.

As some of you may know, our apartment was broken into last Friday. Much was stolen but those details are to follow. Because I think it will be cathartic and because I think it will be entertaining (maybe in a weird way) for you to read, I have decided to write a letter to the thieves here. I hope you enjoy.

This version of the letter is rated G.

One more thing. This letter is for the purposes of getting some things off my chest. It is not intended to be some kind of picture of how I think God wants me to respond to this person.  Again, the purpose is catharsis and entertainment. Now, I’m ready.

Dear Stupid Person (or persons) that stole our stuff,

I dislike you very much. I think you’re lame and selfish. A part of me hopes that you have lots of children and are quite poor and perhaps need the money that you could get from selling MY belongings in order to feed your children. But you know what? I don’t really think that’s the case. Besides, I don’t want you teaching any children this kind of crappy behavior.

I think I know who you are. Without going into incriminating details, you had opportunity to see the valuables in our living room.  Did you see the BRAND NEW PS3 remote sitting on my coffee table? Did your pupils dilate as you saw the evidence of the expensive object? Did you hear the bolts collecting on the TV from my game of Ratchet and Clank (A GRADUATION PRESENT FOR ME NOT YOU)? What about my laptop sitting on the sofa? Did you see that too? I’m sure you did, it’s always there. But you would know that. It’s exactly where you took it from. I hope you enjoyed browsing through the pictures of the greatest Thanksgiving ever. We went on a little hike, built a fire, heated up some Thanksgiving yummies, and cut down a small tree which became our very first Christmas tree. You have pictures of all of that now and I’ll never see them again.You also have bookmarks to all of my favorite recipes that I had been trying and accumulating over the past year. Thanks a lot. I hope you enjoy the peanut-butter and nutella brownies. Good luck making a souffle though.

FYI, if you are some kind of professional thief I have a suggestion. I think it would be kind of you to make a backup disk before you steal a laptop. It would be easy enough. Think about it, you could come in, start the back up process, walk out with the various larger items you’re planning on taking and by the time you’re done, voila! A back up disc to leave for your victims. I feel that it would help in the fight for a more favorable reputation for all thieves.

So I imagine you came back for the PS3, something that my husband and I have been wanting for such a long time and have had for less than a month, and the laptop. Imagine your delight when you rounded the corner and saw one of my husband’s most prized possessions – a 37″ flat-screen TV for which he had saved for months. JACKPOT! Oh wait, there was more, in the TV stand sat a beautiful white Wii. The joke is on you sucka because we’ve still got the Wii-motes. Yeah! Try to play de Blob now! Oh, and wait until you realize that all of our PS2 games that you stole can’t be played on our PS3. Yeah – it’s not one of the versions that can do that so HA!

I should thank you though at this moment. I mean, I appreciate that you left the soon to be obsolete PS2 and GameCube. I mean, you stole all of the games for both along with all of our DVDs (good luck selling those to a pawn shop since you don’t have a single one of the cases) but still, we’ve got the old consoles. Also, you left the old TV in our second bedroom. At least we aren’t totally without television.

I’m pretty cheesed that you took the little monitor from our bedroom. We used to hook the laptop up to it and watch movies in bed. That was nice. But, hey, you took almost all of the movies so the theft was well rounded. Oh, but you did miss some of the movies. Yes, you grabbed the ginormous 100+ CD case full of movies and games but you missed a small green one on the above shelf. You see, I had recently taken out all of my favorite chick-flicks and some cartoons for a roadtrip with a girlfriend. You may have taken Gladiator but you will never have my Mona Lisa Smile! HA HA!

Hey, while we’re talking about the bedroom – I think you’re a creep and kind of stupid for taking one pillowcase and one sheet off of our bed. I’m sure you wrapped up a bunch of my property in them but come on! Is it really less suspicious to walk out of a building holding a flowery pillowcase with geometric bulges? By the way, they were dirty – that’s right. Plus, if you’re ever caught with my pillowcase I’ve got the other one and, just like cinderella’s missing slipper, it will be a dead givaway. Ha ha ha!

You did walk right past the Nintendo DS in our bedroom. Was this another one of your benevolent acts? You probably couldn’t have gotten that much for it anyway, the screen is scratched.

Thanks for leaving my mom’s ring. Or, I should say, thanks for never looking in the jewelry box in my closet. Also, thanks for not taking my Kitchen Aid and my food processor. I don’t think you know how valuable they are and that’s alright with me.

Oh, and thanks for not taking my cats. Well, you at least didn’t let them out. I don’t trust that you were kind to them – they were quite scared when we got home. But, they were here so that’s good.

Hey, that crack you made in the drywall around our door when you beat the door in and broke the doorframe is really just lovely. Our apartment really needed more character.

While we’re on the subject of the door, thanks for robbing me of my sense of security.

I mean, that’s the worst of it all. I hate that you made me a victim. I hate that your acts make me less trusting of people. I hate that when I’m at home alone and in the shower, I think about the fact that someone could just beat my door down if they wanted to. Until now, I didn’t realize that the deadbolt was just to discourage you from pushing harder. Naive, sure, but hey – ignorance is bliss.

But there are some things you didn’t take. Well, lots of things really. Most importantly though, you didn’t take me and you didn’t take James. I’m so glad I didn’t come home in the middle of this. I don’t know what you would have done. You took luxuries and that’s alright (OK, not alright but survivable). Well, the laptop was kind of important. We can’t replace the files you now have. Also, how were we supposed to watch this week’s office?!? It’s alright though, we were looking to get a new one soon anyway and we found one for cheap on Saturday.

I’m not sure what else to say to you. I hope you sell our stuff to a pawn shop and the serial numbers are entered into the police database. I’m not as concerned with catching you as I am getting our things back. No, scratch that, I want you caught. I don’t think it’s a revenge thing – I really want justice. I want you to be punished for your crime and I want you to be discouraged from doing what I think you will most certainly do again. I want your life to change. I don’t want you to feel the need to steal and I don’t want you to hurt any more people. So, yes, I want our stuff back and I want you to be legally punished.

With much irritation,

The person whom you victimized who is actually doing alright considering – a person who remembers that there are more important things in life than stuff – something she hopes you learn someday.