I’m Back

May 29, 2007

Ok, I’m writing again. I know it took longer for me to come back than I thought it would but my summer class that I audited took up more time than I anticipated. The class was worth it though. It was about reading the Bible like you would other pieces of literature. We were taught how to take the time to observe what the author was telling us and why it was said. We analyzed the characters in the texts and what they were teaching us. We went through Ruth, Jonah, Lamentations, Song of Solomon, and Galatians. I learned so much and am hoping that it will change the way I read scripture.

On another note, today has been very frustrating. It’s really my first official day of summer and I’m not looking forward to these next few months. Today is frustrating because I’m looking for a job and it appears that no one is hiring. I know I just need to get out there and put in applications and hope something comes back but I am discouraged nonetheless.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter if I get a job or not. We will be fine without me bringing in any income but I don’t like feeling like I’m not contributing. I feel guilty that James is off working and I’m at home twiddling my thumbs. I don’t have to twiddle my thumbs. I could be folding the mountain of clothes right now but I’m pouting. I’ll get to it later.

I don’t mind James being the primary breadwinner. That’s fabulous. I just mind feeling like we’re out of balance. I like fairness, that makes sense. We should both be working hard. During the semester I am working hard…I just don’t get paid. But still, there is a feeling of fairness. No bon-bon eating for me. I was busy writing papers and reading books and being stressed out.

I was going to take some summer classes, four actually, but my counseling professor thought I needed a break. I know she’s right. But, I don’t know how to break. I know how to work hard and be busy and productive. I know how to meet deadlines. This is just too much flexibility. I know how to be lazy but I don’t know how to be lazy without feeling guilty.

One thing I’ve considered doing this summer is painting and selling my artwork. That would take a lot of bravery. I don’t know if I have enough.

So, here I am. All grumpy because I have no responsibilities. I know I will look at this day and think what an idiot I am for not enjoying it. Oh well.