Therapy Avoidance

September 21, 2007

So, I finally made the call to set up my first appointment for real, live, actual, therapy. Puke. I feel nauseated. Can I just tell you, at the beginning of the summer, back in may, I had two main goals for myself. 1. Get my Philadelphia driver’s license switched to an Alabama driver’s license, 2. Start my practicum 1. I didn’t do either. I avoid them for similar reasons. Both take time. Both involve other people. Both are things that I’m required to do. Yet the license thing is really about laziness. Also, I don’t want the license person to give me the what for about not getting a new license yet. I know, I was supposed to do it when I moved here. Whatever.

Therapy is a little different. What will she say to me? What will she ask me to change? What if there is something wrong with me? What if I cry? What if she’s mean? What if she thinks I’m a bad Christian? What if she thinks I’m a bad wife? What if she tells me that I worry too much about what she thinks?

I called the office and got a voice mail. Usually, I really like that. I’d rather leave a message. Today, though, I just wanted closure on it. I wanted to know when my appointment would be and I wanted to get it checked off my list. Now I have to wait for a call and worry about sounding stupid then too. My message was stupid. I actually mentioned that I was having to do this for school. That’s lame. It’s lame because I need to do it either way. If I heard that as a therapist I would think, “Oh, she wants me to know that she doesn’t need this, that she only has to do it.” She probably thinks I’m a narcissist. Well, I might be, but I do know that therapy will be good for me. I don’t even think this in a general kind of way. It’s not like, “Well, it’s good for anyone.” My life has been crazy and I don’t have very good coping skills. I want to be more at ease and less anxious. I want to be more present with people and not so task oriented or so worried about what they think. Still, my stomach is doing flippies. I think I’ve already learned my first lesson from my practicum 1. By the time people have finally come to you they’ve already jumped a lot of hurtles and they might actually puke on you from nervousness.

This feels like a good morning. I’m sleepy, so sleepy but relaxed. James is working on a project this morning and during the coming week that has him leaving for work around 5:45. The idea was that I would go back to sleep after he left but I don’t think that’s going to happen. It’s ok though. Even though I have a hard time getting up in the morning I really like being up early. I like how quiet things are. I especially like it when I go out early in the morning. Like this morning, it’s 6:50 and I’m at Starbucks. I’m enjoying a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is quite tasty and watching the people come in for their morning fix. I’m here to work on a paper that I really need to finish today. I love that I can sit at Starbucks for hours and work. It’s usually quiet and I can people watch and sometimes I get a visit from Deena, my favorite Starbucks 280 employee. She’s a recent grad of Southeastern and she is fabulous. She’s not here this morning, so that’s sad.

 

I haven’t blogged since classes started back for one major reason. This semester is really different in a lot of ways. I’m not as excited about my classes and this is really sad. I love school. I love learning and I love working hard. I’ve only got one Bible class this semester and it will be a challenging class but I know I’ll learn a lot. I have one other hard class that is really kind of frustrating because it’s challenging but it’s not a subject I care about so I’m not as invested. I know, that’s what normal college is like, but I’m spoiled. My counseling classes are good but their not normal classes. They’re different. Also, I have one class I HATE. AHH! I hate it. I have a terrible attitude about it. I’m not used to this. So, suffice it to say, my classes are different this semester and that means change and change is always hard.

 

Also, my time is stretched differently right now. I’m taking a lot of classes and many of them have assignments do every class so I’m spending a lot more time doing small tasks that are really time consuming. Since I’m also working this ends up meaning that James and I have less time together, especially on the weekends. We’re ok, we really are. But, we’re just used to having more time together, so it’s an adjustment.

 

Finally, my weekly Bible study is changing. This isn’t necessarily for the worse but it’s different. I’ve been leading a Bible study with the same group of girls for two years and over time two new girls have come in. Now, they are the only ones that come. I love them and really enjoy spending time with them. But, it just means change. I’ll do things differently. Again, change is just hard even if it’s for the best.

 

So, things really aren’t bad right now. They’re just different. I’m having a hard time adjusting but I will eventually. And really, look how blessed I am. I have a school that I love and that has made me love learning. I have a husband who I want to spend time with. And I have two new friends that I’ve built real friendships with. Good times.