Me and Relationships

October 17, 2007

I am really bad at relationships. For example, right now James is off at Bible Study and I’m feeling a little lonely. My first solution was to go do some homework at Starbucks. Sometimes just being around people helps ease the lonely feelings. But, James took my car tonight and I didn’t get a chance to get my books out of the car so I can’t do that. I considered going and writing letters to some friends and just relaxing but I feel guilty doing that. I feel the need to be productive. I think I’ll end up just cleaning but this all isn’t the point.

The point is that when I’m lonely I don’t think to call a friend. Well, I might think of it but I’ll never go through with it. I have friends that I really like hanging out with but I can never get up the nerve to do it. Ok, so this might actually have more to do with my self esteem than relationships.

Let me explain. Up until I left Philadelphia my life had built in friends. In middle school and high school I was friends with people in my youth group. At Samford, I had friends in the dorms or from my classes. In Philadelphia I was with the same eight other people all the time. Friends were built into my life. I really didn’t have to make much effort to keep relationships going. Well, relationships take effort. I don’t mean that I didn’t put effort into keeping the relationships working and things like that. What I mean is that I usually didn’t have to call people to spend time with them.

When we first moved to Birmingham I had a lot of trouble making friends. Then we started going to a church with a great group of couples…we were still newlyweds and the rest of them were too. So, we made some great friends through there. Again, these were really built in friends.

My first semester at Southeastern was really difficult. I would come to school for class and leave after it was over. I didn’t really make friends at school until I started hanging out at school a lot more. I started hanging around before and after and in-between classes. I got to know a lot more people that way. It was great. I could make friends and hang out with people with very little effort. I never had to call anyone.

So, my problem is that my “calling friends and inviting them to do stuff” muscle has never really been developed. I hate calling people. I always feel like I’m inconveniencing people or that they’ll talk to me because they don’t want to be rude. At the end of the day, I’m not confident enough that my friends like me enough to want to hang out with me outside of those built in things like class, and school, and bible study, and the like.

Even if a friend was to tell me that they would like for me to call and do things I still don’t feel comfortable. It doesn’t really matter. I can’t get over my issues.

There are a couple times when I really hate how unable I am to reach out to my friends. First, I hate it during times like this, when I feel lonely and don’t feel comfortable calling a friend. Second, I hate it when I know a friend is hurting but I’m too nervous to call and encourage them. Third, I hate it when a friend moves away and I have a hard time calling them to stay in touch.

Ok, so this wasn’t much of a blog but it’s what I’m thinking about right at the moment. Hopefully, taking the time to think about it will help me be brave. Maybe it won’t.


2 Responses to “Me and Relationships”

  1. Deena said

    yes, maybe you may hear you can call me anytime…and maybe you believe it but can’t go through with it, but i think it’s time to stretch that muscle despite the initial hesitation…so you should call me…i know you will be gone this weekend as will I in GA : ) but….when we return, i would LOVE to sit and have coffee with you! I like you. let’s be friends. so…call me! 🙂

  2. jess said

    deena…I don’t have your number! what is it?

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