Brain Dump

March 1, 2007

Wow, has it really been three weeks since I last wrote anything? Crazy! These past three weeks have been doozies and a half. Without divulging too many personal details to whoever reads this (one day I had 16 people log on…go facebook!), let me just say that life is hard right now. I know I mentioned it in the last entry but it really isn’t getting much better for me. Well, I don’t mean that. What I mean is that I’m still having a hard time with things and think I should be doing better by now. Ahh, the inner critic. I’ve been told I need to take care of myself right now but it turns out that I don’t really know what that means. Do any of you know? I really haven’t been thinking about what to post next so I think I’ll just do a little brain dump…here’s what’s on my mind right this second:

In the midst of all that’s going on I’ve had the dumb idea to think about my future and what I want to do with my life. This just overwhelms me more but it’s more fun to think about that the difficult things in going on. I’m in school for counseling right now. When I started I was so convinced that this is what I wanted to do with my life. Nothing could stand in my way. But nowI’m loving my theology and bible classes. I get more excited about them some days that counseling, ok…most days. I learn things and immediately want to turn around and tell someone else what I’ve learned. The girls in bible study know this well. I just get excited and have to share it. Then my mind wanders to what it would be like to be a professor or even just a bible study leader in a church. What would it be like to get a Master of Theology? My arms feel all noodley. It sounds wonderful.

But then come the road blocks. What about babies? What about this degree I’m working on now? How would I pay for school? Would James be willing to move near a grad school? What about his dreams? What if it’s not what God wants? What if I would be bad at it? What if I find out that I don’t think women should teach the bible?

I know I have plenty of time but I like to have a plan and direction and I just don’t have that right now. I’m sorry that this post is kind of a rambling. I started to erase it but I figured that one of you out there is probably trying to make some kind of decision that seems impossible and maybe it helps to know there is someone else out there struggling too.


2 Responses to “Brain Dump”

  1. Tigerlily said

    Beautiful Jess. I am just now reading this, but I’m glad I did. This is a good thing; your blog. I have gotten to know you more through this than when we are at church or any other time. You are such a wonderful listener (I know you may not think so) and you often will ask people how they are doing without any interruption to put in your two cents…unless it’s about God (which is OK, my prophet friend).

    I have not advice nor guide on this matter, but the Bible says that we are to give comfort to those with the comfort given to us through God. I do understand. You have the Holy Spirit in you…if you can’t trust anything else inside you or otherwise, you can trust that Guide.

    I love you and value you as a friend and sister-in-Christ. You are a breath of fresh air!


  2. Julie F said

    I can relate to your brain dump. I wrestle with same things. I want so much to finish my degree so that I can ….so I can….have babies? So I can a job for the rest of my life and work for someone else? So I can make a meager salary hoping to ‘move up the ladder’ so I get roughly the same salary and more responsibility. And how does Dave feel about this? He supports me. But does he secretly think I’m crazy?

    We joke about how I will get out of school and want to have babies. It’s a joke. But tinged with reality. If I had to pick only one thing to do for the rest of my life it would be to have children. So, what am I doing in Nursing school again?

    Yet, I press on. Something (perhaps someOne?) just keeps pulling me in that direction. And one day I may get my Masters. It’s crossed my mind more than once. And I know that the Lord will use this degree for more than my small vision can see on the horizon. There are great, wonderful, and glorious perfected things beyond that dividing line that will cause me to ponder not ‘what if I don’t’ but rather ‘what if I hadn’t?’

    Tons of love to you and James from the Forman camp,

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